Jangan Marah Kalau Kamu Tak Boleh Menghubungi Aku Semalam

Semalam dalam kekalutan bersiap untuk ke Langkawi, telefon tangan aku jatuh terhumban dari genggaman. Ini bukanlah kali pertama telefon tangan aku jatuh, memang sejak azali lagi, tangan aku seperti disumpah, hampir setiap benda yang aku pegang pasti akan terlepas jatuh. Kamu mungkin tidak percaya kadang gelas yang aku genggam untuk minum tiba-tiba boleh terlepas jatuh bersepah air seolah-olah ada yang menampar tangangku. No, aku rasa itu bukanlah akibat buatan bomoh atau buatan orang yang benci atau cemburukan tangan aku yang lurus kurus cantik ini (ya aku memang perasan), aku rasa memang sudah tertulis bahawa walaupun aku ahli sukan lompat terjun lari sana sini, namun aku masih perempuan melayu terakhir yang lemah lembut hingga nak pegang gelas pun tak larat.

Nokia jenama telefon tangan aku itu, aku rasa memang sangat gagah perkasa, hanya setelah jatuhan yang ke 15 kali, barulah ia mengalah dan mengangkat bendera putih tidak tahan lagi hidup bersama aku, lalu beliau mengambil keputusan membunuh diri. Aku seperti tidak percaya apabila secara perlahan skrinnya hilang dari pandangan dan lenyap bersama-samanya segala jenis data yang aku simpan. Orang-orang dan bank-bank yang mencari aku semalam masih boleh mendengar talian aku yang masih hidup apabila membuat panggilan, tetapi aku tidak dapat menjawab atau berbuat apa-apa kerana Nokia tidak langsung menulis wasiat hatta untuk aku mendengar deringan sekalipun. Kematian manusia berkarier diabad ini rupanya mati bersama-sama matinya telefon tangan mereka.

Dan Allah Yang Maha Kaya itu tidak akan selalu membiarkan hambaNYA derita lama. Kematian bukan sahaja melahirkan kesedihan tetapi juga memberi laluan kesempatan. Ya, seperti juga suami yang kematian isteri, tanah kuburan yang masih merah bukanlah alasan untuk menolak mendapatkan isteri baru.

:-P

Cleaning Day

I finally got to take care of the third room last weekend, Alhamdulillah. Lots of letters from the past, bills from the last house, old photos from my younger days, old notes from schools, primary and secondary and of course books and notebooks from U. Lots of ME in the room. I was walking down memory lane that day.

There were even my work books in primary four. Math workbook done in pen. Can you believe it, we were supposed to do math using fountain ink pen. Must have taken lots of confidence to do math in ink but we never complained.

I found old love letters too.... hahaha looking and reading at all the letters, I just couldnt believe that the writer was me, so corny ! Ewwww... Those letters were from and to my previous loved ones. A few are draft and un-posted letters and notes to an Indonesian student I was stalking. Crazy me. If I had a kid, I wd never never let her/him see those letters, it was so embarrassing pouring my heart out like that. Ewwww.... again !

And of course I also founds notes of crazy games I used to play with Motien and Misbah. Yeah.. Misbah was actually playing stupid games with me and Motien, you know the old games of guessing names of celebrities, actress and actresses. I saw names of the Kapoors too in the game... so to accommodate Misbah's favourites,I reckon.

Oh ya, I found a few old drawing blocks too. You see I loved to have a drawing block on my study table under my books, so that when ever I read or study I would every now and then stop and draw or write something on the block, usually lyrics of favourite songs, poems and whatever feelings I was having at the time and of course lots of doodling too.

During those days, I used to make my own greeting cards. I found this and I thought its cute to share it with all of you.

You know ... I prayed every night

.. during Ramadhan..

hoping to get a glimpse of the "Lailatul Qadar"

But the night they assumed it was

I missed it...

Happy Hari Raya anyway

(InsyaAllah I'll get it next time)

ps:
Iya.. I buat sendiri kad tu...
(Ada orang tanya dua kali betulka aku yg lukis kad tu)

UMN* 's Seven Stages of Grief

Tak dapat dinafikan lagi kadang aku rasa, UMN* sekarang seperti kekasih yang telah ditinggalkan, yang telah disisihkan, terutamanya selepas 8 Mac lepas.

Just look at the way their members handle the situation, I am beginning to believe that they are undergoing the Seven Stages of Grief.

I had suspected this all along, and I think they have experienced the first few stages already. I m not sure if they are manly enough or to certain extend humanly wise enough to go through all the stages, especially the last three.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

Haha.. yeah... they didn't believe it. They just didn't get it why rakyat don't want them anymore. They were shock alrite and some were in the state of denial, blaming almost every other thing except themselves.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

For most of them, they do feel the pain of course. They are in pain and thats why they are behaving they way they behave now.

The guilt, hmmm... this is a bit tricky because I dont think anybody would openly confess of being guilty. Chaotic phase... definitely !

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Hahaha... this is when the arrogant who shall be nameless but starts his name with an A came into the scene. The "Why Me ?" phase. They are suddenly getting angry at people and at other races. Making all sorts of provocations just to show their anger.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

This is yet to happen. But I think its getting nearer already.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

Hmmm..... not sure if they will ever ever come to this phase.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

Tsk tsk tsk....... ermm.. to expect the mind to start working again... ? Not sure if it is ever functional in the first place. But I do hope they can start "seeking realistic solutions".

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward

I guess this phase will only come when they have become an opposition

Source :http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

They are in pain. Just like an angry bf/gf who cant accept the situation, they have to hurt back to cover their ego and pain. Exactly like a hurting lion .... it will run amok because he s in pain.

:-)

Panduan Menggunakan Kucing

Inilah satu-satunya cara buat masa sekarang untuk aku online dari rumah

Mari Meniarap Di Depan Pintu

Itu pun Alhamdulillah boleh detect satu bar saja

Aku suruh Popo duduk depan jadi tukang tengok kalau ada tuan punya wifi cari aku.

:-P

Worthy of A Few Words

Just don't ask what time the picture was taken.

Lagi Cerita Tentang Aku Suhardi Dan Salwa

Aku, Suhardi dan Salwa tetap bersama di dalam kelas semasa Darjah Satu dan Darjah Dua. Seperti yang pernah aku ceritakan dulu, Salwa memang dari keluarga yang agak berada dan berkemampuan. Melihatkan dari jenis kereta ayahnya saja sudah cukup untuk kami sebagai budak sekolah menganggap Salwa bukanlah dari golongan miskin. Ditambah pula betapa dia selalu membelanja kroni-kroninya dikantin sambil jalan beramai-ramai, Salwa kelihatan sangat menonjol dan berkuasa sebagai Ketua Yang Memakai Topi Berbunga. 

Aku ? Aku pula tidak popular seperti Salwa, tambahan lagi waktu Darjah Satu itu, kerana lompatan "zero-point"  (tali getah) yang tidak tepat menyebabkan aku tersungkur rebah ke bumi,  patah gigi hadapan.  Aku memang tidak tampan dengan gigi berlubang dan tanpa wang untuk belanja kawan-kawan lain makan di kantin. Mak aku hanya bagi aku 2 kupang (RM0.20) saja untuk ke sekolah.

Walaupun aku tahu Salwa telah "cop" Suhardi dari Darjah Satu lagi, itu tidaklah menghalang aku untuk tetap berkawan dengan Salwa sebagai kawan sekelas. Bagi aku yang masih mentah ini, aku juga mempunyai rasa kekurangan diri di mana aku mengambil keputusan untuk mengundur diri. Salwa boleh memiliki Suhardi kerana siapalah aku ini untuk rapat dengan jejaka tampan itu. Suhardi pula seperti kebanyakan budak lelaki 7 tahun yang lain, tiap hari masih sibuk mengejar belalang dan bermain "combat" dan tidak tahu sepatah haram pun yang dia menjadi rebutan dua budak perempuan sekelasnya.

Antara kelebihan Salwa waku itu ialah dia sangat pandai bercerita. Setiap kali Salwa membuka mulut maka ramailah murid lain yang akan berkerumun di mejanya untuk  mendengar cerita. Salwa akan bercerita tentang pelbagai perkara tetapi yang selalu menarik aku ke meja Salwa tiap kali ialah untuk mendengar cerita Salwa tentang kolam renang di rumahnya.

Aku ingin membuat pengakuan di sini; ada dua benda di dalam kehidupan kanak-kanak aku yang menjadikan aku meleleh air liur melopong bila mendengar orang menyebutnya iaitu : piano dan kolam renang. Aku memang sangat teruja tentang dua benda itu.Kamu mungkin telah baca tentang aku dan piano Motien dulu. Tapi sebelum kenal Motien aku telah terlebih dahulu kenal dengan Salwa dan kolam renangnya.

Menurut Salwa di rumahnya ada satu kolam renang yang besar. Dia dan keluarganya sering mandi manda bersama di kolam itu pada waktu petang dan masa cuti sekolah. Kamu boleh lihat muka  aku tiap kali Salwa menyebut kolam renang, mata aku bersinar dan mulut aku akan ternganga dengan senyum yang terhegeh-hegeh. Salwa pula setiap kali bercerita akan siap dengan pensil dan kertas untuk melukis kolam renangnya itu. Dan aku pula tidak akan habis-habis bertanya itu ini tentang kolamnya, keluasan kolam dan juga kedalaman air di kolamnya. Dan termasuk di dalam soalan-soalan poyo aku itu ialah tentang  siapa lagi yang mandi di situ,baju renang jenis dan warna apa yang dipakai, guna pelampung atau tidak dan lain-lain soalan yang hanya akan datang daripada seorang kana-kanak yang gila kolam renang dan bermain air .

Dan Salwa tidak pernah jemu bercerita dan bercerita tentang kolam renangnya kepada aku yang konon ada hati mahukan bakal suaminya, Suhardi.

Memanglah aku ini budak-budak sangat waktu itu. Dan memanglah juga aku sangat teruja dengan kolam renang Salwa dan tidak dinafikan juga bahawa Salwa bukanlah dari golonngan miskin tetapi ada "sesuatu" di dalam cerita Salwa yang aku ingat sampai sekarang yang membuatkan aku juga rasa seperti ada yang tak betul tentang cerita kolam renangnya itu.

Mana tidaknya, Salwa bercerita kolamnya yang besar itu ada empat papan anjal; setiap satu untuk Mak, Ayah, Abang dan dirinya untuk digunakan mereka untuk melompat masuk ke dalam kolam itu.

Mana ada orang buat sampai empat papan anjal untuk satu kolam ! 

Tapi seperti manusia lain, aku telah memilih untuk percaya hanya apa yang aku mahu percaya.  Kerana biarpun cerita Salwa tidak betul seperti juga cerita piano kecil kayu Motien itu..... ianya cukup untuk aku berkhayal dan berfantasi indah tentang kolam renang. Seperti semua kanak-kanak lain di dunia ini, Salwa dan Motien juga berkhayal dan bermimpi mahukan Kolam Renang (dengan 4 papan anjal) dan Piano (yang besar)

Kami hanya kanak-kanak pada waktu itu.

Kami tidak berdosa untuk berangan.

*Izinkan aku juga untuk masih berfantasi tentang sesuatu yang telah 30 tahun lebih aku tinggalkan di mana jauh di sudut hati aku berkeyakinan kalau Suhardi di suruh memilih antara aku dan Salwa, pasti Suhardi akan memilih aku. Hahahahahaha.

Tahan Ujian Untuk Aku Dan Kawan

Memang sakit melalui ujian selalunya

Kadang terasa seolah hampir lemas

sepertinya air sudah sampai ke hidung tiada mampu bernafas

Segala jalan keluar umpama tiada

Terasa perit hampir merana





Tapi ujian adalah seperti email ingatan tanda

Untuk kita kembali pulang mengadu

dan

berserah kepadaNYA


----------


Menghadapi ujian juga seperti berlari marathon pada beberapa km terakhir agaknya

just when you feel you re about to give up

you know you cant and you shouldnt

you re in pain

but you know it wont be long anymore

Things We Forget

<200> ......................There are men who say:
"Our Lord! Give us (Thy bounties) in this world!"
But they will have no portion in the Hereafter.

<201> And there are men who say:
"Our Lord! Give us good in this world and good in the Hereafter,
and defend us from the torment of the Fire!"

Among the first few duas my grandmother taught me was from that particular Ayah 201. I knew it by heart from a very young age and later on discovered that its one of the easiest simplest dua one can have when you cant seem to remember or memorize any other long duas.

It seemed so natural that we want to have the goods of both worlds.The concept was not that difficult to grasp when you were young and carefree and even when you were still in school. You didnt have that much wants and worries in life.

But when I left school and started working, I begin to see the world differently, especially when you now have your own money to spend. You started wanting things in life, you want all the materials to enjoy and to certain extent to be like your extensions, to reflect the person you are superficially and materially.

You have all these worldly desires and the image of the next world started to fade and bleak. One day you wake up and suddenly you realize there's something missing and you stop to think that there's no balance anymore in your perspective of this world and the eternal world.

When I read the ayah a few nights ago, it suddenly hit me. It struck me hard because yeah, I admit I do sometimes have that kind of dua (the first one) even not verbally, but subconsciously, we sometimes tend to concentrate more of this world. But if you see the very next sentence that comes with the dua, you ll realize.... like HE's saying to us.... "Ok I ll give you whatever you want in this world.. but you wont get anything in the hereafter ".....

:-|

Marhaban Ya Ramadhan

How nice it is now that my house is very near to the Pasar Ramadhan.

It only takes less than 2 minutes from my gate to the eventful parade on the street.

I can even smell roasted chicken and murtabak from my house.

How wonderful.


Alhamdulillah

Selamat Berpuasa Everybody

T*h* ... not Nutritious

"I dont think you are fit enough to run that mile"

"Look at the food you re taking"

"You re eating shits"


"...but I do take greens"

"Ya, ya.. the only veges you take are those two pieces in between the burgers"

Sampai hati dia kata aku makan "t*h*"


Pizza dan burger tu t*h* rupanya.

Mungkin benar kata dia. Kalau makan benda merapu macam tu, macam mana nak berenang kuat, lari jauh dan nak naik basikal laju.



Aku : Makan hati

Buat Karn (Rasta Araii Wah) di Bangkok

Time has never stopped

and
one day when you wake up
you will discover that the pain is gone

and you will finally be able to smile
something you have not done for a long time

and maybe one day you may even laugh
just like the laughter you might have forgotten

Masa tidak pernah berhenti dan satu hari bila kamu bangun,
kamu akan dapati luka itu sudah tiada.
Dan kamu akhirnya sudah boleh senyum .....
sesuatu yang sudah lama kamu tidak lakukan.

Dan mungkin pada hari yang lain kamu akan ketawa ....
seperti tawa yang mungkin kamu sendiri sudah lupa.

Karn,

Smile Karn.



Smile


p/s:
Hoping to see you soon

Total Immersion Way Of Swimming

Relax Gila !!




Cantik Siut !

Laju pula tu.

Jangan Jawab Macam Tu Kat M@rtha Stewart Adik Oi

Tension dengan Emak Kepada Segala Pilihanraya, aku memilih untuk membuat kapkek. Mengikut resepi aku perlukan "1/2 Cup of Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chip". Jadi, aku dengan itu telah pergi ke satu "Kedai Keperluan Kek" yang ada di Jitra ini.

Aku ambil satu bungkus kecil semi-sweet chocolate chip dan ketika hendak membuat bayaran, aku bertanya kepada juruwang.

"Adik, kalau satu bungkus kecik ni, boleh dapat berapa "cup" ?
Setengah "cup" ka atau satu "cup"?"

Tanpa rasa bersalah kepada undang-undang peradaban masakan, M@rtha Stew@rt dan juga Chef W@n, beliau telah berkata:-

"Tengoklah ... jenis cawan apa kakak pakai"

I rest my case, My Lord.

The Day The Quran Cried

It's not a surprise that one of the last resorts 'they' could come up with was S@iful's oath. We all know that people would do just about anything to get their ways. This is not the first time THE BOOK has been a subject of of 'their' manipulation in proving a point or another. R@afidah had once used the same method, though as fas as I can recall she didn't exactly use the actual "lafaz" of oath, the Wallahi, Walillahi, Watallahi or Wabillahi.

The fact is, as you all know, one need not not to use the Quran to make an oath.

I am a bit disturbed and disgusted by "their" way of making use the Quran. To use the Quran only when they feel they need to for their political motive when the BOOK was sent down NOT for the main purpose for people to make oath. It's what inside of the Quran which is paramount, the whole guidance and laws for us all Muslim Mukmin to follow. Not a mere subject of being a witness for one's whatever motive.

I am asking "them",

Where did you place the Quran before ?

Where was the Quran when you were campaigning for the election?

Where was the Quran when you were sitting in Parliament?

Where was the Quran in your everyday life?

Why suddenly its very important for everyone to ask just anybody to make an oath before the HOLLY BOOK when you have never bothered to even peep what more to understand and follow whats inside of it ?

The day will come when the BOOK will testify for all that you did to it ...

For all that WE did to it

"Our Lord! we have been unjust to ourselves,
and if Thou forgive us not, and have (not) mercy on us,
we shall certainly be of the losers."

Al A'raf: 23

Cerita Nora

Nora ada banyak cerita lawaknya yang tersendiri. Ada cerita yang dia sendiri alami dan ada yang dia dengar dari orang. Sebagai seorang guru pastilah banyak cerita lucu yang dikutip Nora sepanjang perjalanan kariernya.

Adalah menjadi satu kemestian bagi setiap guru untuk mempunyai satu Buku Ringkasan, iaitu buku yang melaporkan setiap aktiviti yang dilakukakan oleh guru apabila mengajar. Mak dan Abah aku yang cikgu dulu pun ada buku ringkasan itu. Tapi kata Nora buku ringkasan sekarang lebih teruk dan lebih terperinci, kena cerita sebiji-sebiji kata Nora, matlamat pengajaran, kaedah yang digunakan, pemahaman murid dan entah apa-apa lagi lah serba-serbi yang diminta oleh Jabatan Pendidikan untuk diisi dalam buku ringkasan. Padahal, kata Nora, bukan semuanya guru-guru ikut pun apa yang ditulis.

Oleh kerana adalah sangat remehnya bagi sesetengah guru untuk menulis Buku Ringkasan, maka mereka-mereka yang malas menulis ini hanya akan kelam kabut menulis secara pecutan, apabila diminta oleh guru besar. Bayangkanlah kalau dah nak hampir setahun tak tulis Buku Ringkasan, jenuh patah tulang sendi nak menulis semuanya dalam masa yang terdekat.

Menurut hikayatnya, ada seorang guru lelaki yang sudah tidak menulis Buku Ringkasannya hampir beberapa purnama katanya. Oleh kerana guru besar sudah meminta beliau menyerahkan Buku Ringkasannya, maka pecah peluh lah guru lelaki ini, yang kita namakan sebagai Cikgu Mat saja, memandangakan berapa banyak punya benda yang dia nak kena tulis.

Maka diriwayatkan juga beliau telah meminjam Buku Ringkasan guru yang lain dan telah mengupah anak muridnya untuk menyalin setiap apa yang ditulis di dalam Buku Ringkasannya.

Hampa salin semua yang ada dalam buku ni

Bersinting lenganlah anak murid menyalin semuanya.

Dan dengan penuh lega dan senang hati kemudiannya Cikgu Mat menyerahkan Buku Ringkasannya kepada guru besar.

Namun demikian, setelah beberapa hari Cikgu Mat telah dipanggil oleh guru besar. Tertanya-tanya lah Cikgu Mat apakah sebabnya beliau dipanggil mengadap.

"Cikgu Mat,
bila masa yang Cikgu cuti bersalin ni...????"

Gulp!

Rupanya Cikgu Mat pinjam Buku Ringkasan Cikgu Rohaya yang baru saja melahirkan anak dan berada di dalam pantang.

Tidaklah pula Nora cerita apa yang terjadi pada Cikgu Mat selepas keluar dari bilik guru besar itu.

Sekian, adanya cerita.

It's Here - The Book

I know one of the things I dont really fancy Alor Setar or even Jitra is the lack of good book shop. The best we have is Popular but still its not big enough to cater good quality books for certain particular interest. At the most we could do is to drive to Penang to Borders (Queensbay) or MPH (Gurney Mall).

But Alhamdulillah with the internet and all the on-line shopping it provides, with just a few clicks plus a credit card, Kinokuniya and MPH would not hesitate to send you the books you want (that is, if they have it).

I ve been looking for this book like more than 5 years ago. Imagine that ! I found about Total Immersion through the internet when I first started swimming. I had no personal trainer and I did most of my research on swimming from the net. Back then I could still find most of Terry (Laughlin)'s writing about his innovation from the website (unlike now where you can only find excerpts from the book). I had printed and compiled them but thanks to my filing system, I ve lost them, together with the files in the computer too (that I have the Virus to thank).

And what a delightful surprise when I found the book in Kinokuniya's website. I made the purchase through their site and it took only two days from the day I ordered, for me to get hold of the book.

I am so excited, and hopefully the book will help me get into the pool in no time.

:-P

Just An Observation

A wife who doesn't give due respect to her husband,
would find it hard to respect other people too.

Buruk Tau Kalau Marah-Marah

Ya memang buruk sangat kalau kamu marah. Kamu nampak macam orang yang hilang diri. Kamu juga kelihatannya sangat tidak bijak bila kamu marah. Tambah-tambah lagi kalau orang tahu sebab yang kamu marah itu. Marah kalau tak bertempatlah yang paling buruk, seburuk-buruknya.

So, kalau nak marah, ikutlah cakap Nabi (Muhanmmad SAW) duduklah dulu, kalau dah memang sedang duduk, baring, tapi dah kalau kat ofis takkan nak baring bergolek atas lantai.....

....dah... pegi amik air sembahyang, kasi hilang itu buruk.

Syntax Error

What is wrong with
her
?

I am disappointed and I am angry. But I know its no use in retaliating, because the person I'm angry with will never change. She will always be the person she is. She will always think that she is better than me and that I am subjected to her and that I am beneath her.

And I think it is better to remain calm and not bring myself down to her level.

To Apologize Even When You Are Not Wrong

Sometimes you have to apologize even when you are not wrong because you have to feed the other person his ego; and most importantly you just want the work to get done.

This is especially so when you have to deal with some other departments who think that your work is at their mercy. It will become pointless to debate with them when you know they will never budge from their stand, let alone to admit their mistake.

They need to win the battle to make them feel good, but you know deep inside that the war is actually yours to be won eventually.

Hah !