When we were small and yes to some like me, until now, we believed and I sometimes tend to believe that our parents and the ones we love will always be there forever. We think that things will always stay the same, and thats why I guess the child in me is still there. Ive never grown up.

But yesterday, when I went to visit Tok (my grandmother), I began to tremble. Looking at her, so thin, so fragile, so vulnerable, so old, I began to learn facing the reality. The time for her to leave me and the family is near. No I'm not hoping. But it is something that I have to face, sooner or later. I helped her took the 'wudhu' and prayer. She fell twice the last time she took wudhu. It helps that shes not big and heavy. I could almost pick her up and I was thinking of carrying her instead of letting her walk. She is (again) so fragile and weak. I was holding my tears all the time I was there, not wanting her to see. She was talking nonsense too. Perhaps her hearing is not good. It hurst me listening and talking to her. She said things that didnt make sense. Maybe its the fever. I want to believe its the fever shes having. I dont think shes senile. She can still pray and read doa and recite Quranic verses.


Tok has always been the closest to me. There were times when I disagree with her, like in the case of Cik (when Tok did not approve Cik's choice in marriage - and harrased Cik) and in that few years I was sort of avoiding myself from her, but then I began to realize that whatever it is, she is still Tok. The one who always loves me. She always says that I'm her favourite :) I used to stay with her during my school years and she really spoilt me sometimes.

I cried all the way back from Tok's place. I was thinking its about time I have to face my fears. The fears that was haunting me even when I was 5. I remebered hugging Tok and telling her " I dont want you to die". Its the same feeling I'm having now. But I'm not the 5 years old Ann. I'm 32 now. Goodbye is never an easy thing to do and death is after all is not the end ... its only a beginning for a new and long journey ...............