I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was one of the 'garang' teachers in school. One you would never dare to come across. The one you will remember all through out your life because she pinched you in the stomach for forgetting to bring your PJ trousers.
So you can imagine, I lived with that teacher.
Her mere presence intimidated me.It was never easy to be left alone with her in a room. I would literally suffocate because it seemed that she breathed in all the air in the room and left me choking. I was always terrified of her. She had this power over me that I could still see her eyes watching me even when shes miles away. Slowly I began to create a space between her and me. And because she could never really reach me, I suspected that she was going through my personal things and diary so as to keep track of my ongoing activities. To this day, I still find it hard to write a diary, but I do find comfort in writing this blog because my mother still needs someone to switch on her Tetris computer game.
It took me a lot of courage to break away from her authoritarian power over me. She was always challenging and provoking just to hurt me. And how she played the game of guilt, like most mothers do, so that she could still hold the chain on my neck. But I always tried not to cry in her presence during any of her scoldings unless when the pain was so much to bear. I cried in the bathroom, on the way to school on my bicycle, in my sleep and I always felt that I was no good, never good enough and a sinner for always making her angry. Sometimes at night when I was crying myself to sleep I would pray and promise to Allah that I would be a good daughter to her.
The reason why women should get married at certain age is because Allah wants you to get out of your parents' house. But as my jodoh wasn't (and still isn't) around the corner, it was difficult on my mother too for having a single daughter jumping around the house even when I had started working at the time. She was feeling like I was still depending on her by still hanging around the house even though I did all I could to pay my share in the house like settling the bills. I think she took it as a sign of weakness and still treated me like I was 10. The pressure was so tense.
My mother could never imagine I would be doing anything against her wish and command. She would always say " If you dont like staying here, get out of my house". I didnt take the words as a challenge but I did feel like I had to get out of the house. But you see, this is Alor Star, not KL, its just not done for a daughter to go out and rent a house within the same town of her parents. But I did just that. All hells broke loose when she found out I wanted to move out. But I made my decision because I knew, had I stayed on, it would be more difficult for the two of us. I needed my space and even though she would never admit it, my mother too needed to see less of my face. It was not easy for me and to her it was the ultimate resistant on my part.
I prayed everyday to Allah for my relationship to be better with my mother. Ya, everyday, during my prayers and even when driving in my car. The chant of "Ya Allah, please make my relationship with my mother better and better. Please forgive me Ya Allah" was endless.
After the move, I still kept on going back to see her every now and then, to prove to her that I was not going away from her. I would always be her daughter no matter what and she would always be my mother in this world and in the hereafter. Allah IS Most Merciful because our relationship does get better in time. She started to see and take me as an adult, not pulling my strings so as to make me follow her. She confides in me and I would have never imagined that I could actually have a talk with her. We call each other over the phone every now and then. I also learn to look at her differently; to see the background where she comes from and the reasons for her behavior and from there on I try to understand her hopes, her fears, and her frustration. I see my mother now not only as a mother but first as a woman like many of us, with all our own different baggage.
You can never expect a person to change, but what you can do is to change your reaction towards them. You have to have a certain control over your own feelings not to let other people's actions affect you. Sometimes you have to make stand and not to let anyone, yes anyone push you around. I know now, even when I make a stand to my mother, its not that I'm being 'derhaka', the only thing is that I must find away on how to go about it so that my mother wont feel hurt with me; to explain to her the reasons for my stands or actions. Its much easier these days because she has accepted the fact that I am no longer her 10 year old daughter.
I had a hard way of putting my relationship with my mother to where it is now. You see, my mother never actually changes, she sometimes still tries to come up with her tricks and antics to have her own way, but she knows now that she is dealing with an adult daughter who wont want to be treated any other way. I have somehow earned her respect and my mother too has earned my love.
So you can imagine, I lived with that teacher.
Her mere presence intimidated me.It was never easy to be left alone with her in a room. I would literally suffocate because it seemed that she breathed in all the air in the room and left me choking. I was always terrified of her. She had this power over me that I could still see her eyes watching me even when shes miles away. Slowly I began to create a space between her and me. And because she could never really reach me, I suspected that she was going through my personal things and diary so as to keep track of my ongoing activities. To this day, I still find it hard to write a diary, but I do find comfort in writing this blog because my mother still needs someone to switch on her Tetris computer game.
It took me a lot of courage to break away from her authoritarian power over me. She was always challenging and provoking just to hurt me. And how she played the game of guilt, like most mothers do, so that she could still hold the chain on my neck. But I always tried not to cry in her presence during any of her scoldings unless when the pain was so much to bear. I cried in the bathroom, on the way to school on my bicycle, in my sleep and I always felt that I was no good, never good enough and a sinner for always making her angry. Sometimes at night when I was crying myself to sleep I would pray and promise to Allah that I would be a good daughter to her.
The reason why women should get married at certain age is because Allah wants you to get out of your parents' house. But as my jodoh wasn't (and still isn't) around the corner, it was difficult on my mother too for having a single daughter jumping around the house even when I had started working at the time. She was feeling like I was still depending on her by still hanging around the house even though I did all I could to pay my share in the house like settling the bills. I think she took it as a sign of weakness and still treated me like I was 10. The pressure was so tense.
My mother could never imagine I would be doing anything against her wish and command. She would always say " If you dont like staying here, get out of my house". I didnt take the words as a challenge but I did feel like I had to get out of the house. But you see, this is Alor Star, not KL, its just not done for a daughter to go out and rent a house within the same town of her parents. But I did just that. All hells broke loose when she found out I wanted to move out. But I made my decision because I knew, had I stayed on, it would be more difficult for the two of us. I needed my space and even though she would never admit it, my mother too needed to see less of my face. It was not easy for me and to her it was the ultimate resistant on my part.
I prayed everyday to Allah for my relationship to be better with my mother. Ya, everyday, during my prayers and even when driving in my car. The chant of "Ya Allah, please make my relationship with my mother better and better. Please forgive me Ya Allah" was endless.
After the move, I still kept on going back to see her every now and then, to prove to her that I was not going away from her. I would always be her daughter no matter what and she would always be my mother in this world and in the hereafter. Allah IS Most Merciful because our relationship does get better in time. She started to see and take me as an adult, not pulling my strings so as to make me follow her. She confides in me and I would have never imagined that I could actually have a talk with her. We call each other over the phone every now and then. I also learn to look at her differently; to see the background where she comes from and the reasons for her behavior and from there on I try to understand her hopes, her fears, and her frustration. I see my mother now not only as a mother but first as a woman like many of us, with all our own different baggage.
You can never expect a person to change, but what you can do is to change your reaction towards them. You have to have a certain control over your own feelings not to let other people's actions affect you. Sometimes you have to make stand and not to let anyone, yes anyone push you around. I know now, even when I make a stand to my mother, its not that I'm being 'derhaka', the only thing is that I must find away on how to go about it so that my mother wont feel hurt with me; to explain to her the reasons for my stands or actions. Its much easier these days because she has accepted the fact that I am no longer her 10 year old daughter.
I had a hard way of putting my relationship with my mother to where it is now. You see, my mother never actually changes, she sometimes still tries to come up with her tricks and antics to have her own way, but she knows now that she is dealing with an adult daughter who wont want to be treated any other way. I have somehow earned her respect and my mother too has earned my love.
